He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
