When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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