They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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