he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
