Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
