On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
