remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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