so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
