i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
