I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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