No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
