Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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