I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
