Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
