Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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