Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
