She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
