Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
