Old men and throwing up are my life now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
