dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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