It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
