My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
