Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
