So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
