I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
