yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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