i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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