Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
