WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
