im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
