There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
