had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
