Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
