Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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