dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
