pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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