Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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