why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
