No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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