The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize