i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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