paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
