I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
