it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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