is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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