My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize