My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
