Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
