We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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