Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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