I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
