so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
