The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
