I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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