Don't make out with my wife yet
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
