I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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