Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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