Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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