is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
