Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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