he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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