I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
