Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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