My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
